008
[Private to self]

I should have known. Why would I not think about that? It's been years and I should have thought about it. He's married now. He was engaged but didn't tell me and I thought, like a stupid little girl, that we could just pick up where we left off. But where did we leave off? I know I've had feelings for him for a long time, even during those years of living in America and not seeing or speaking with him at all. How can you be in love with someone when they don't love you in return? It's not fair and it shouldn't even be possible. He probably has always seen me as the little girl he remembered while in school. That's all I was then anyway, just a little girl that needed help with her studies, but that didn't stop me from falling for him. If it were just a school crush then shouldn't I be over it now? I'm not and now there is nothing I can do. Nothing.

I could barely stop myself from crying in my seat. I didn't know anyone there did I? Why did I even stop myself? No one knew me and wouldn't have cared why a strange girl was crying. But then I would have been an interruption somehow and Cliff would find out. I wouldn't want to ruin his wedding in any way. I couldn't ever do that. He deserves to be happy because he's such a wonderful person. Why can't I just be happy for him and let it go at that?

Was it a trick all along? He got teased for spending time with me in school, maybe it was to prove something?

I don't like feeling like this. I can't think of him the same way anymore, I just can't let myself. I don't even know if I'll be able to act friendly to him. He doesn't deserve me to be miserable and not speak to him like I have been. That wouldn't be fair to him. I just... I just need to go to bed and let myself cry. I feel so alone.

[/private]

I miss my parents.